Today we are talking about inviting God.
I hope you have an idea of who God is, and what you understand of Him gives you the desire to invite him into your grief. If you are not there yet, that is fine. Take your time. You cannot ask someone into your grief if one, you don’t know them and two, you don’t trust them. I pray you would learn who God is and that you would trust him.
If you already have a positive relationship with God, fantastic! Do you feel like He is a part of your grief? Do you see His fingerprints in the loss of your baby?
Today, the goal is to invite God into your grief and look for His presence in your story.
If you are not there, that is okay. Take your time and come back when you are ready. If you want to continue, let us get started.
I didn’t have to invite God’s presence into my story or my grief because He orchestrated every step. It wasn’t perfect, but it was peaceful. It still hurt more than I can describe, but God was there every step and is still with me today. Life with God isn’t absent of pain, but in pain, there is hope; no one and nothing can match.
When Nila finally arrived, people surrounded me, comforted me, and validate my pain by crying for her, holding her, and remembering her. As one visitor left, a new one came, and with each passing hour, I realized I was going to be alone, and I was petrified. I was scared that with no witnesses, I’d succumb to the ocean of grief and drown. I dreaded the breathless sob that I thought might kill me because the anguish was too much for my heart to take. I was afraid to fall asleep because I would have to wake to this nightmare and relive the tragic loss all over again, believing it was just a dream. My body shook at the thought. My heart raced as each visitor left, and a new one didn’t arrive. And as I write this, I remember the fear so well that tears come to my eyes in memory of those emotions.
But God, as my dad likes to say. My last two visitors unknowingly stayed with me until I felt the peace of God. When they got up to leave, I was ready to be alone, something I had been terrified of all day was at the door, and when I opened it, all that greeted me was the love and gentleness of God. He carried me through that first night, and to this day, I don’t know how I survived it. I woke the following day, not in a puddle of overwhelming grief but with subdued sadness masked in the love of God.
Before we dive in, for this to work, you have to believe that God speaks. Not only to pastors and missionaries but to you. He can be a small voice in your mind, a picture that flashes in your head, a song that plays on the radio (any radio/song God is not limited to Christian music), a movie, a book, a friend, nature, and animals. God is speaking, and you need to learn how he speaks to you personally.
I have said this before, and I will repeat it to test what you hear, see, or experience.
God will not do the following:
- Go against the Bible
- Confuse you
- Scare you
- Push you
Share what you are experiencing with a friend/spouse/partner that is safe.
If you are not sure how to hear God’s voice, I would pause here and learn. It doesn’t take much. The following points are how I learned:
- God is usually the 1st thing I hear
- He is funny more times than not
- It can repeat over and over until it’s either gone, which means I have ignored Him or I do it.
- I practice.
- I rebuke the enemy from my mind if I feel confused.
- I ask for confirmation in the real world
Beyond the recommendations about I suggest the book Walking with God by John Eldredge.
If you are comfortable with God speaking, let us keep going.
Not everyone has a story like this, but God was there, and even if you did not see Him in those moments, you could ask Him where he was now.
Get alone with God and with a journal. I would suggest doing this after reading the Word or listening to some worship music. Once you are alone with Him, pick a memory with your stillborn and ask God either in your head or out loud, where were You? Now, wait.
He could respond immediately or within hours or days. It could be at a time you least expect it. He will show up.
He can go into memories, change them and heal them. I know because he has done it for me. When my mom died, my dad told me that God showed my dad His grief. My dad said that God cried with my dad.
Do this with as many memories as you want, asking Him where He was. Ask Him how he feels about it and His perspective. Doing this will lead to you inviting him not only into your story but your grief. As you see God move in those moments, He will move in your sorrow, and new life will start to grow. God showing you His heart is the beginning of hope. I hope that you can remember your baby with joy and not just pain, that you can find peace and comfort in God instead of sadness in your loss.
I would love to hear your stories of where God was in your stories. Please feel free to share.
As always meditated on scripture during this time. My suggestion is:
Zephaniah 3:17 (EVS)
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Until next time.
Disclaimer, I am not a therapist or doctor. If you are considering hurting yourself or others, please seek medical attention. This advice and may not work for everyone.