Stillborn- A Friend
Stillborn- A Friend

Stillborn- A Friend

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Today we are talking about journeying together.

We desire relationships. God created us in His image, He is family, a community. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are the perfect model of what it means to be in a community. Asking someone to journey through grief with you may sound terrible to you, or maybe this is right up your alley. Either way, I encourage you to find someone to journey through this process.

I had a community of people I could trust—my father, friends, and sisters. Each one gave a new perspective of my grief. They shared their stories and how they were grieving with me. I felt comforted and connected to each one.

When Nila was stillborn, I rented the basement from a friend who had a child around one year old. Unsure how I would feel about seeing him, I chose to stay with my dad for a few days. The first night with my dad, we stayed up late talking. I shared everything I was feeling that night, and he listened intently and shared how he was feeling. That night my dad became one of my best friends. As the days and weeks went on, he was a trusted, safe person I could confide in, eventually leading to healing.

If you haven’t already, pick someone to journey through this process. Pick someone you trust. Someone who makes you feel safe, someone you can be brutally honest with about your feelings and thoughts. As I have said before, isolation is not healthy. Needing alone time is, but staying isolated can stunt growth and healing. Seek connection during this time, even if it is only one person. If you have an entire community of people you can trust, then utilized them.

Today’s goal is to pick someone or a group of people to walk through your grief. If you already have a person or a group, go deeper with them. Keep in mind this is your grieving process; therefore, take the steps you feel comfortable with, don’t get stuck.

If you are married, I strongly suggest that person is your spouse. Walking through this together can bring you two closer. If not your spouse, here are other suggestions:

  • Mother
  • Father
  • Sister
  • Brother
  • Friend
  • Co-worker
  • Counselor

If you don’t feel comfortable with any of the mentioned above, you may consider God for a while until He leads to someone you can trust. Now, God can be your “person” and take you through this. He is that powerful, but he is a community within himself, so he wants community for you as well. Ask Him, and he will provide.

Once you have the person or a community of people, start slow and get comfortable. Take each step as slowly or as quickly as you need, and share what you feel led to share. You don’t have to tell them everything, but I would be entirely and harshly honest with them. These are topics you could discuss with them:

  • Your fears
  • Your anger
  • Tell your story from start to finish
  • Your pain
  • Your confusion
  • Something good
  • Something bad
  • Ask them their perspective
  • Ask them how they feel about this loss

Whatever you are comfortable talking about, start there. Don’t stop there. Go deep when you are ready to talk about the hard stuff, the real stuff, the thing you don’t want anyone to know.

One thing that is hard for me to admit is when Nila passed, and when the grief started to heal, I was partly relieved not to be a single mom of two kids as bad as this may be to say. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was a single mom. My daughter’s father was one of my good friends, but we were not going to be together. I love my daughter more than my own life, but heaven is better than earth. I am glad she did not have to endure the trials and pains of this world.

What deep secret are you hiding? If nothing, great! But if there is something there, do not be ashamed of it. We are all human let’s not pretend not to be. If you feel led to share what you are hiding, do so when you are ready. If not, that is okay too! This process is about you and God. When you are ready, grab your person or persons and dive into this journey hand in hand, and don’t forget to bring God along with you.

Always meditate on scripture through this process. Here is a suggestion:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Until next time.

Disclaimer, I am not a therapist or doctor. If you are considering hurting yourself or others, please seek medical attention. This advice and may not work for everyone.

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